God is generous & God is love

I thought I knew God was generous and that God loved me.
    well, I did and I do.
       but I thought I felt it and lived it.

But this, this opened my eyes to how I would really feel if Christ was here and if these parables and narratives from the Bible were playing out in my life. And I feel exposed.

For starters. Matthew 20 1-15-- a vineyard owner hires a group of men early in the morning who agree to work for a days wages. Seeing there is more work to be done, he hires another group who start around 9 am and another group at 12, 3 and 5. At the end of the day the owner comes to  pay the workers, some who have only worked one or two hour. The kicker-- he pays them ALL the same amount of money! Enraged the workers begin to grumble. The owner replies "Friends, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage. Are you envious because I am generous?"

Putting myself in the position of the workers who started in the early morning, or even the workers who started at 9 a.m. I know I too would be grumbling. Even more embarrassing, I would be angry... I worked longer I earned more.

This is after all what my world has taught me; from the beginning we teach babies cause and effect. Latch on to earn milk, sustenance.  Study harder to earn the "A" in physiology to earn that spot in OT school.  Work harder, put in longer hours to earn that good performance review to earn that raise to buy the newest this or that to earn the approval of friends. It NEVER stops.

That's why even though I thought I knew God was generous, I was only being naive in thinking so. My world of merit so vastly contradicts God's beautiful world of Grace.

The second story. Luke 15:11-32; the story of the prodigal son; the younger brother requests his inheritance and goes away to squander it to nothing. He shamefully travels home and finds his father waiting for him lovingly, with open arms and a feast. His older brother, the one who stayed at home and worked dutifully is spiteful and angry towards his younger brother who was received so well.

Again, I find myself identifying much more easily with the older brother who is resentful towards his younger brother who is welcomed home with love by his father.  Further demonstrating how uncomfortable I am with this concept of unlimited, undeserved, unconditional love.  It makes more "sense" for me to be the brother who says "This isn't fair, I have stayed home with you, I have worked for you, I have never gotten a party like this." My world of merit so vastly contradicts God's beautiful world of Grace. 


James Bryan Smith, in the Good and Beautiful God, really solidifies the point in this statement
" ... there is only one thing that separates us from God, and it is not our sin. It is our self righteousness... It is not my sin that moves me away from God, it is my refusal of grace " (102).  
 And for me, I'm not sure it's a refusal, as much as lack of understanding of grace because of this culture.

I think this story told by one of the ministers at our church illustrates the point beautifully.
In a German train station a man overheard an American woman trying to get directions in English from a German police officer. The officer just stood there saying over and over in German "I don't speak English". The man, speaking both German and English, thought he could be of help and went over to the woman and said in English "Ma'am can I help you". She glanced at the man and helplessly said "Do the two of you not get it? I don't speak German?".  The stress of being lost and the stress of the German culture did not allow the woman the recognize a voice in her own language.
Similarly, God is calling out to us how much He loves us. But the stress of our lives and the influence of our merit based culture makes it difficult for us to understand and comprehend that love.

Julian of Norwich wrote "The greatest honor we can give to God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of his love..."
In other words, what God so wants most from me is to see me happy because I know much he loves me. How beautiful, how generous is He. 

God is Trustworthy

I never considered how important it is that to know that a person is good before establishing trust; but, the more I’ve thought about it, it is so true.

I see it in my patients. How at first they are tense until I find the right way to get to them to show them I am good, that I care and I am on their side… and only then do they truly trust me to help them stand up for the first time since a stroke. 

I recognize it in myself. How I keep a guard up until I sense compassion, caring, and goodness in someone; and then, then I place my trust. 

In the same manner we establish trust with God.  James Bryan Smith states “It does not matter that God is all-powerful or all knowing if he is not all-good. If he isn’t all-good, I will never be able to love and trust him” (p. 56).

I believe God is good, I do. I look around me at this Earth he created and the intricacy of the human body and I know I believe in a good and gracious God. For me I carry a different burden. 

Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane prays to his Father “ Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove… this….cup… from…. me..”

My cup? Control.  I believe I know what I need better than God does. 

Jesus  finishes… “yet, not what I want, but what you want” (Mark 14:36) 

It absolutely baffles me that in the face of death Jesus can say this. James Bryan Smith points out though that God was with Jesus every day continually blessing him and all that he did. Jesus was extremely aware of God’s greatness and goodness. As a result, Jesus was able to follow and trust  him even as he faced death.  

 James Bryan Smith further demonstrates through a quote by Thomas Smail that Jesus’ cry to God on the cross is clearly not one of fear or legal obedience but a “trusting response to known love”.  I think that is just so beautiful; this is the God Jesus knows and trusts. 

The spiritual exercise Smith asks me to practice this week is to journal the blessings in my life in attempt to become more aware of God's greatness  in hopes of building trust for the periods of darkness in my own life. 

I crave to be able to say "not what I want but what you want". I yearn to give up this piece of control I think I have and be what God wants. 

Questions… At what point though do I stop acting on opportunities and just be? This is where I have a hard time understanding the line of where I intercede in God’s plan and where I trust God to let the plan just fall in my lap.

God Is Good.

The prayer at dinner time in my house growing up was "God is great, God is good, give us Lord our daily bread, Amen". We say it still when my niece and nephew are with us for dinner.  During phases of my life I said it with meaning, but most of the time I said it out of habit.

In chapter two, James Bryan Smith, seeks to paint the picture of the true kind, loving God-- the God Jesus knows.
He refers back to the Old Testament, where God is seen as jealous and punitive, punishing the children for the sins of their forefathers. But the story does not stop in the Old Testament, we as Christians believe in Jesus Christ and the New Testament. Jesus, as James Bryan Smith, demonstrates provides a whole new narrative of a loving God. Sadly, so many still see God as the punitive God of the Old Testament.

James Bryan Smith reflects back to a difficult time in his own life when he was challenged with the notion that God was bestoying these difficulties upon him because of his sin.

This left me thinking if I have ever felt this way. All day I have wondered if I ever felt that God was punishing me because of my sin. Truthfully, I can't think of I time I have. (I must have had some good Sunday School teachers).  I've made poor decisions and done selfish acts and wondered what God thinks, but never feared that He will punish me and always known that I can repent. Thankfully, I've never struggled with the image of a vindictive God.

On the other hand, when I do acts of good I sometimes think to myself "I wonder what God will do for me?" Or occasionally in my line of work patient's or family members will say to me "There is a special place in heaven for people like you"... And my head gets a little big as I think to myself "Hmmm, I wonder what God has in store for me for all this poop I'm cleaning up down here?"

Realizing this I was struck by James Bryan Smith's explanation of why this "punishing-blessing God" phenomenon is so popular. We, as humans, like a world we can control; and the idea that if I do good, God will bless me, if I stay out of trouble God will not punish me is very appealing.  This simply isn't true though, the Bible clearly states

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:45

So when I feel a creeping thought come to mind like "I wonder how God will pay me back for this one"... I need to replace the story of a God who punishes and blesses based on acts and replace it with the narratives of the man born blind (John  9:2-3), or the Galileans (Luke 13:1-5).  I need to pray to live in Christ and let Christ live in me, because I can't do this alone. 

Step 2; Step 3

Oddly enough I just had deja-vu sitting in my house, in the office with the sun streaming in, the train whistling in the background, my cat cleaning her paws beside me.. Like this is where am I supposed to be right now. There's comfort in that feeling.

Step 2 and Step 3 were quick reads for me, but non-the-less important and worth documenting.

Back to my analogy, again my way of making this idea more relatable for me...

Influence 2 on the will is the Body
2. Body-- this is generally where most of my patient's are most influenced... The hemiparesis (paralysis of one side of the body)  often occurring after stroke, the gait abnormalities, and the list goes on and on.  And then patient's engage in hours and hours of therapy and are asked to do more home exercises on their own time to influence their body... Like I said this category is huge for me...  

James Smith Bryan further made this analogy for me on page 27 of his book... He said "People who undergo physical therapy engage in exercises such as stretches and limb lifts to improve their ability".  This is where I  can influence my patient's... I can set them up with exercises and lead them through repetition after repetition of exercise and influence their recovery. 

AHA... This is where I can influence my spiritual recovery... 
Spiritual disciplines, or spiritual exercises, are also meant to have a therapeutic effect. James Bryan Smith says the way we practice these soul training exercises should be the same as PT (or OT!) exercises, "We do these things (even if they hurt a bit) because we want to improve how we function"... 

Travis' made mention in his sermon  9/15(get it here ) to the concept of neuroplasticity (okay so he didn't call it that but he was hinting at it! The OT in me knew it!)... Neurolplasticity is the idea that our brains are capable of re-organizing, making new connections and adjusting to new situations. One principle of neuroplasticity is repetition, repetition, repetition. He alluded to this with a study about finger tapping, that the area of the brain responsible for finger tapping became larger in a group of people who repetitively finger tapped. 
Like that I got it... If I want to change I have got to engage in these spiritual exercises repetitively... repetition, repetition, repetition. I tell my patient's that constantly, and now my pastor is telling me that! Neuroplasticity makes sense to me, he was speaking my language. Find words that make sense to you, it makes it an all new sorts of real! 

Influence 3

Community!

My analogy... 
3. Social Context-- my patient's recovery is influenced by the family that surrounds them, the medical and rehab staff that surrounds them, and the community the patient's build among each other.   

Recently I've had discussions with co-workers on the influence of family members on patient's motivation. We've looked at research and it's important. In turn, a patient's motivation is a huge piece of recovery. Thus, family support influences recovery.

How does this relate? Community with church and one another supports spiritual growth. 


I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit who works in all 3 of these influences and arranges all 3 of these to coincide to nudge me towards Jesus.

Narratives: Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
 
So one source of influence on Will Power  is the mind. Narrative,  according to James Smith Bryan, is the central function of the human mind.  We relive our life experiences as stories in our mind and shape our present experiences based on past experiences, past narratives.

I'm reminded of the importance of narrative again in my example of the patient who would be running marathons and planting her garden if will power could cause the change.
Patient's outlook on recovery and the role rehab plays rehab is sometimes based on their own previous experiences with rehab. Did they have positive interactions with therapists? Did they have positive outcomes? These memories influence how they view rehab now.
Patient's expectations of recovery are sometimes based on a story of a brother in law, or aunt, or mother who also experienced a stroke and had fantastic recovery, or worse an awful recovery.
I see first hand how much patient's cling to these stories and seek out these stories. I'm often asked "Have you seen someone like me? What happened with him or her?" Patient's want narratives and regardless of their accuracy or pertinence to their current situation and place in life, use them to make sense of their recovery.


As I saw this concept unfold in a more "relatable" way I was challenged to recall same of some of the narratives that shape me and my belief system...

>  Education is important.... My mom has told this story 1000 times, it wasn't until middle school that I got in the car and said to my mom "Mom, did you know that you don't HAVE to go to college". Clearly, I was preached that college naturally followed high school and that education is important.

> Church... my family went to Church Wednesday and Sunday. I was involved in youth group, youth choir. I watched my parents faithfully tithe each  month. I understood that Church was important. What I didn't see was that a Faith and life in Christ was crucial, because when we got home from Church my narratives include tension between my parents, grumbling over having to go back to church volunteer at this event, and tremendous sadness/bitterness towards my mom's alcoholic father.
However, 6 years ago the settings of my stories change. Mom got involved with community of women and started going to Bible study. She started spending time in solitude and prayer and reading the Word. Her relationship with Dad changed, she forgave her Dad, her attitude towards her volunteer work changed, she relaxed. That story shaped my idea of how Christ can work in lives.

(There is a picture of us cousins like this every Christmas)

> Family...Even after moving to Virginia it was a priority for my family to trek to Georgia every Christmas, every Summer, and every Thanksgiving to gather with our family. To make new stories and recall the old.

There are the family narratives of hurt and disappointment...

But there are also the ones of joy, love and commitment...

> Marriage... lately one narrative that's been weighing heavy on my heart is my picture of marriage. The narrative of marriage I had was a stay-at-home mom, one that didn't work. I was her work, our home was her work. And she did a fabulous job at her work. Our house was well kept and dinner was always on the table, and she looked flawless at the end of the day. This was my expectation of myself because of the story in my mind... When we first got married I was running myself ragged trying to keep up with my super woman Mom. t was not fair to compare her story with my story because I was working full time...




The list is really endless. I know it is. By looking at it first through a focal lens (my analogy) to see how important narratives really are, I can then zoom out and see how all my stories impact me.

James Bryan Smith states that to really change we first have to change our minds and replace our narratives with Jesus' narratives.

"Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus" Philippians 2:5b

What narratives are shaping you, fairly or unjustly?

False Narrative: We change by our own will power.

Will Power: The human capacity to choose. (Will I wear red? or will I wear blue?)
            Will power, according to James Bryan Smith, is influenced by three sources...
                     1. Mind   2. Body  3.  Social Context

James Bryan Smith challenges the idea that we can make changes based on will power; instead he believes the will itself actually does not have "power" (will power ) but is influenced by these three sources above.  

He casually makes the connection that 90% of New Year's Resolutions don't last past the end of January not because people don't have will... They chose ( the will) to make the resolution, instead the three influences on the will did not align for the resolution to stick.

This briefly mentioned connection encouraged me to relate this concept more personally to me to make it more real. The more I read, the more I saw how maybe God placed this connection in my mind. As an occupational therapist, I work with patient's who have experienced something life altering that has in someway, shape or form led them to me to rehab. Where I currently work this is life altering "thing" is most commonly stroke, so that is the basis of my small analogy.

If 99% of the patient's I see could be healed on "will power" these people would be better than they were before the stroke, these people WANT so badly to return to walking, using their hands, etc.; however, as pointed out by James Bryan Smith change simply does not occur by this notion of will power.
Instead their Will Power, their choice to get better, has led them to rehab, and ultimately to me. But their will is influenced by these 3 sources.
1. Mind-- emotions (i.e. the depression often seen after stroke), the stories they know of other stroke survivors, etc.
2. Body-- this is generally where most of my patient's are most influenced... The hemiparesis (paralysis of one side of the body)  often occurring after stroke, the gait abnormalities, and the list goes on and on.  And then patient's engage in hours and hours of therapy and are asked to do more home exercises on their own time to influence their body... Like I said this category is huge for me, as I expand on in a later post.
3. Social Context-- my patient's recovery is influenced by the family that surrounds them, the medical and rehab staff that surrounds them, and the community the patient's build among each other.  

It  may seem silly to make this analogy, but as I read further into how these 3 sources relate to my will, I began to realize truly how important each influence is because of how often I "preached" these things to my patient as part of their recovery process and will to get better. 

So... in my maiden post I stated how I crave change in my heart. I have the Will Power, to make this change.  Up next, how James Bryan Smith relates my will to change and turn more towards God to these three sources. 

How can you make this concept personal to you? Will you share this with me? 

Our church is starting the Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith. I finally was able to get my hands on a copy of the book today (they're selling like hotcakes) and I could hardly wait to delve in. As a matter of fact, S had a good laugh when he looked over during the praise music piece of worship and saw me standing, tapping my foot to the beat, and already reading...

I'm excited. I'm excited for S and I to follow a study together for the first time as a married couple. And I'm excited about the community of women I am further sharing this journey with.

It would be a lie to say I wasn't anxious.

I was already discovering how difficult it is to juggle a full time job, a house, my friends & family, and love on my new husband... (where was God in those top three time consumers? Nowhere, until NOW!)
I have waxed and waned with periods of clinical depression and at times it completely zaps my motivation, and makes me angry with God.
I've never done a study start to finish, I always stop midway..
I crave something so much deeper, and I am afraid of being let down. There I said it, that is probably my top fear.


Sink or Swim... I'm diving in..

xoxo, K