God is generous & God is love

I thought I knew God was generous and that God loved me.
    well, I did and I do.
       but I thought I felt it and lived it.

But this, this opened my eyes to how I would really feel if Christ was here and if these parables and narratives from the Bible were playing out in my life. And I feel exposed.

For starters. Matthew 20 1-15-- a vineyard owner hires a group of men early in the morning who agree to work for a days wages. Seeing there is more work to be done, he hires another group who start around 9 am and another group at 12, 3 and 5. At the end of the day the owner comes to  pay the workers, some who have only worked one or two hour. The kicker-- he pays them ALL the same amount of money! Enraged the workers begin to grumble. The owner replies "Friends, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage. Are you envious because I am generous?"

Putting myself in the position of the workers who started in the early morning, or even the workers who started at 9 a.m. I know I too would be grumbling. Even more embarrassing, I would be angry... I worked longer I earned more.

This is after all what my world has taught me; from the beginning we teach babies cause and effect. Latch on to earn milk, sustenance.  Study harder to earn the "A" in physiology to earn that spot in OT school.  Work harder, put in longer hours to earn that good performance review to earn that raise to buy the newest this or that to earn the approval of friends. It NEVER stops.

That's why even though I thought I knew God was generous, I was only being naive in thinking so. My world of merit so vastly contradicts God's beautiful world of Grace.

The second story. Luke 15:11-32; the story of the prodigal son; the younger brother requests his inheritance and goes away to squander it to nothing. He shamefully travels home and finds his father waiting for him lovingly, with open arms and a feast. His older brother, the one who stayed at home and worked dutifully is spiteful and angry towards his younger brother who was received so well.

Again, I find myself identifying much more easily with the older brother who is resentful towards his younger brother who is welcomed home with love by his father.  Further demonstrating how uncomfortable I am with this concept of unlimited, undeserved, unconditional love.  It makes more "sense" for me to be the brother who says "This isn't fair, I have stayed home with you, I have worked for you, I have never gotten a party like this." My world of merit so vastly contradicts God's beautiful world of Grace. 


James Bryan Smith, in the Good and Beautiful God, really solidifies the point in this statement
" ... there is only one thing that separates us from God, and it is not our sin. It is our self righteousness... It is not my sin that moves me away from God, it is my refusal of grace " (102).  
 And for me, I'm not sure it's a refusal, as much as lack of understanding of grace because of this culture.

I think this story told by one of the ministers at our church illustrates the point beautifully.
In a German train station a man overheard an American woman trying to get directions in English from a German police officer. The officer just stood there saying over and over in German "I don't speak English". The man, speaking both German and English, thought he could be of help and went over to the woman and said in English "Ma'am can I help you". She glanced at the man and helplessly said "Do the two of you not get it? I don't speak German?".  The stress of being lost and the stress of the German culture did not allow the woman the recognize a voice in her own language.
Similarly, God is calling out to us how much He loves us. But the stress of our lives and the influence of our merit based culture makes it difficult for us to understand and comprehend that love.

Julian of Norwich wrote "The greatest honor we can give to God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of his love..."
In other words, what God so wants most from me is to see me happy because I know much he loves me. How beautiful, how generous is He. 

God is Trustworthy

I never considered how important it is that to know that a person is good before establishing trust; but, the more I’ve thought about it, it is so true.

I see it in my patients. How at first they are tense until I find the right way to get to them to show them I am good, that I care and I am on their side… and only then do they truly trust me to help them stand up for the first time since a stroke. 

I recognize it in myself. How I keep a guard up until I sense compassion, caring, and goodness in someone; and then, then I place my trust. 

In the same manner we establish trust with God.  James Bryan Smith states “It does not matter that God is all-powerful or all knowing if he is not all-good. If he isn’t all-good, I will never be able to love and trust him” (p. 56).

I believe God is good, I do. I look around me at this Earth he created and the intricacy of the human body and I know I believe in a good and gracious God. For me I carry a different burden. 

Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane prays to his Father “ Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove… this….cup… from…. me..”

My cup? Control.  I believe I know what I need better than God does. 

Jesus  finishes… “yet, not what I want, but what you want” (Mark 14:36) 

It absolutely baffles me that in the face of death Jesus can say this. James Bryan Smith points out though that God was with Jesus every day continually blessing him and all that he did. Jesus was extremely aware of God’s greatness and goodness. As a result, Jesus was able to follow and trust  him even as he faced death.  

 James Bryan Smith further demonstrates through a quote by Thomas Smail that Jesus’ cry to God on the cross is clearly not one of fear or legal obedience but a “trusting response to known love”.  I think that is just so beautiful; this is the God Jesus knows and trusts. 

The spiritual exercise Smith asks me to practice this week is to journal the blessings in my life in attempt to become more aware of God's greatness  in hopes of building trust for the periods of darkness in my own life. 

I crave to be able to say "not what I want but what you want". I yearn to give up this piece of control I think I have and be what God wants. 

Questions… At what point though do I stop acting on opportunities and just be? This is where I have a hard time understanding the line of where I intercede in God’s plan and where I trust God to let the plan just fall in my lap.